When the going gets tough
These days have been a constant challenge to stay present, to not disassociate. Slowly but surely, with patience and persistence, I can see I’m able to be more present and less in my head. I’ve been triggered, gone into being frozen and got myself out of it within a matter of hours - before it could take me the whole day or multiple days.
I realised it was time to go back to the basics: breath, move, journal. Ive limited my time spent with others to the most possible minimum amount - just until the process that is happening within me is more grounded and settled. Otherwise I find myself caught up in old beliefs and old, limited ways of thinking. And I almost always end up feeling misunderstood and alone, so it just keeps triggering the same wound. When I get caught up, at first I am absolutely furious with the people that have triggered me. With time and practice, I’m able to let go of the anger and feel the sadness / hopelessness much quicker.
Most days, I start off feeling closed and numb, but after taking some time to connect I feel my emotions deeply. Each day is slightly different, I’ve taken to journaling and writing the specifics to understand the subtle differences each day is bringing. For example, yesterday when my heart opened I felt a lot of pain for all the years I’ve neglected and abused myself. Today, I felt unworthiness& shame and it felt more like the effect that comes from a lack of love from others over the years. Each time I connect, my body becomes very tired and I feel soft. The softness is a huge relief. With no energy left to pretend, to self sabotage paired with a raw honest with myself, I’m starting to see things and accept deep truths.
Deep truths that the way my life is set up now, all came from fear. My heart was closed and I needed these things to feel safe, but that safety net has become a prison that stops me from living out the wishes of my heart. I’ve seen, without judgment, how my heart being closed has led me to use others. Constantly asking them for love, and of course it has always fallen short, because it hasn’t come from within me. The desperation of knowing I can no longer go on living life disconnected from myself and my heart, has led to a profound honesty and openness to surrender everything. Everything I’ve worked for, every friendship and all that I have, to life. Whether this means all will be lost, I’m not sure. It might just change and adapt to be in line with where I’m heading. The road ahead is completely void - I have absolutely no idea what comes next. And although part of me is terrified, another part of me is relieved and excited to finally be becoming more open.
A huge part of this process is seeing how I’ve played along with others, dismissed myself and not shown up as me from fear of not being understood and not feeling seen. In reality, I have been misunderstanding and ignoring myself, a pain I’m feeling frequently. I’ve noticed that occasionally, I’m hopefully this will continue growing and happen more regularly, I find myself so open, so calm and completely unmasked. I can see other people pretending or not understanding me, and it doesn’t bother me at all, because I trust and know what I’m talking about. I feel I have nothing to prove, for the first time ever.
At the moment my heart starts to open I feel a lot of pain come up, shortly after I start to feel a pleather of other emotions come in. The sounds around me become sharper, I notice the details in the room around me. I start to feel the beauty of life around me. In this space I’m totally present with where I am and I don’t have one foot in the next moment. It’s hard to describe the beauty of this space. Fear dissipates, and trust comes in. Illusions start to fall away; and I know I’ll be shown the way one step at a time.
It’s been a rollercoaster! But If the beautiful space I’ve touched here and there is anything to go by, it will be more than worth it.
